Day 14,722

Up at 3am (not the first time in my life for such as many Shabbatot back in Toronto I would make early Shabbat and be more or less drunk on one cup of wine and be in bed by 6pm and up again in the middle of the night, either to learn or occasionally to go to my friend Dovid Boulayevsky because occasionally on Thursday nights our farbrengen was still going strong), put some instant coffee granules in my mug and went downstairs to turn on the kettle (prefilled by my cousin, I suppose, in anticipation of my getting up early and of our mutual using hot water for beverages, although possibly by the German housemate (the other one is currently on hiatus elsewhere, perhaps at his other home in Be'er Sheva) as he has been drinking many hot beverages (what appeared to be teas) of late), back upstairs to pee, back downstairs to fill mug partially with hot water and stir and the remainder with tap water, for a lukewarm, kind of light, instant coffee... light being a matter of perspective now that I look at the coffee... gonna turn on poker (man it's getting boring) and play for a bit. My friend Ze'ev from Vancouver who sells Jabotinsky and Trumpledor posters in the old city (I believe he also attempts to educate about them) may or may not be coming by in the next couple of days to deliver and install a poster I found captivating, although to be honest I wonder if it's a transgression to hang a poster of a human being's face but for now will allow myself. I've also asked him if he has a biography of him I found online and he does, so have asked him to lend me it - I have books but I am very lax about reading due to frustration in accomplishing my goals of earning enough money for my own home and being able to support a wife and kids, not to mention recently for adequate medical coverage and I as well fear my blog being לשון הרע and spiritually being the cause of my recent teeth disasters, as in the phrase in the הגדה of הכה שניו and the colloquialism of 'breaking one's teeth on' certain subjects, plus all the negative imagery from television and movies and pornography I fear may be playing havoc with my subconscious 🤷🏻‍♂️

3:58am and some poker played... win some, lost some, smoked some more cigarettes and drank most of the coffee and took an Advil liquigel (I think it's time I bought another bottle) and constantly deliberated my life and decisions and what's causing what but I'm not a Kabalist (unless it refers to someone who simply accepts their situation and does what they can about it, for better - hopefully - or for the opposite - hopefully not). For a moment there I thought about trying to stay awake until the first bus and go to the Kotel for the earliest Shacharis I could, getting into the old city before they lock it up for the Jerusalem Marathon but I can feel sleep coming back on and anyway I can't be certain that they'll let me exit in time to get back to my cousin's house for Shabbat, assuming being 'homeless' at the Kotel for Shabbat isn't the best thing for me... I honestly don't know what's good for me or not and the more I consult and study, the less I know for sure, but the alternative is making decisions on my own and carrying the burden of those self-made decisions. Life is very confusing, עלמא דשיקרא, and I can't wait until the next world, even though I haven't filled my taiva of being with a wife, nor the mitzva of having children, but considering the 'headaches' I've 'suffered' in my attempts to be with women, perhaps I'll be forgiven and am exempt... I'll only know for sure in the next world... In the meantime, with the first bus not for another hour and a half plus, arriving just before locking up, I'm gonna go back to Sallah Shabati, as I believe I fell asleep midway. Perhaps I'll still be awake at 5:30am, in time to go to the bus stop, perhaps I'll be back asleep. Either way.

5:23am and pausing Sallah Shabati to put my socks and boots on and write this and head to the bus stop to catch the first bus in the hopes, בעזרת השם, to catch the first bus to Jerusalem to go to the Kotel for Shacharis... I'll worry about breakfast and getting back later, or perhaps just stay there for Shabbat... We'll see, afterall, הכל בידי שמים חוץ מיראת שמים and quite frankly, fear of heaven is something I want to stay far away from, although the humility it brings us often very nice for comforting me over my lack of physical prowess and social advancement... or perhaps I'm delusional and life is swell and I'm just a כופר בטובות... I hope it's neither. I hope life is beautiful for everyone, slowly, slowly. 5:27am.

5:35am and had a pee, rinsed out my mug, did Netilas Yadayim, read/said morning brachos, put a fresh roll of toilet paper on the holder in the upstairs bathroom, turned off my radiator and fan and walked to the bus stop... here's hoping I can get to the Kotel for Shacharis and back again, before 10am even, and then head to the Rami Levy and get a few items for Shabbat, although G-d knows all too well that there's enough provisions for the 3 of us in the house, not for an especially nice Shabbat, but minimums, yes, and for myself in my room, I have 2 instant noodle soups, 2 tins of fish (one mackerel and one sardines), half a thing of Bissli grill flavour (large size), at least 2 packs of cigarettes, some Fisherman's Friend's mints, most of the 1.5L Spring lemon lime, and at least 100nis cash on me which is plenty enough for bread and deli... If I can be in and out of the old city quick enough, perhaps I'll get some salads at Ma'afeh Ne'eman, although eating them might be a little challenging considering my teeth situation... 🤷🏻‍♂️

Ich veist nisht. Ya nichivo niznayu. Heck, for all I know, there's no bus coming. For all I know, there's no light rail. For all I know I could drop dead of a heart attack, G-d forbid... 5:42am and on the bus!

6:08am and considering how fast traffic is moving (there isn't much at this hour) I should be at Ammunition Hill light rail train station in about 5 minutes and assuming the light rail is running efficiently, at the Kotel by 6:30am/6:35am. I still have no idea what the situation is going to be on the reverse trip, but at least I won't be running to catch the last bus on a Friday - that's a real nightmare; much rather be stranded at the Kotel for Shabbat than in the middle of nowhere.

Does not appear there will be a return trip anytime soon...

6:14am and apparently no light rail train from ammunition hill so walking... 2 minutes later and watching the train sorta go by.... it keeps stopping for some reason. Nope, just saw the driver (or other employees, unknown...) escort his 2 passengers off the train. Eta by foot to the Kotel... 7am-ish.

6:42am and almost there at Yafo Gate and stopped to take a photo for an orthodox couple wanting one standing by the 'I❤️JLM' sign.

It appears the marathon finishes around 11am

6:55am and arrival at the Kotel... couldn't tell if the security guard wanted to interrogate or interview me. Went to the coffee area and grabbed a coffee - with milk and sugar, and 2 pieces of some sort of sponge cake. I'd go for a third but I want to daven already... maybe I will anyway. Nope, all the sponge cake gone. Grabbed a mini cinnamon bun instead... Oy, the [upcoming] dental bills... I think it might be prudent to start fundraising for dentures. 

7:04am and one last cigarette as I finish my coffee and check bus schedules back to my cousin's house... apparently if I'm able to walk (there are fences up all over right now for the marathon) then there are buses running every half hour... assuming the app is correct... I'll probably check again later.

7:19am and Talis and Tefillin on and about to start Eizehu Mikomum, leading into Shacharis... I guess I have a lot of time this morning and set an alarm for 8am to read Shnayim Mikra (and charge my phone).

7:42am and finished Shmoneh Esrei and waiting for חזרת הש"ץ (repetition of the standing, silent prayer, aloud, by the leader) and starting to feel a little tired... Hopefully another coffee or juice, maybe a salad, after, before I start Shnayim Mikra (assuming I do and don't run back to Ammunition Hill to be back away from the craziness of the Kotel at my cousin's house)...

9:30am and trying to figure out my way back to my cousin's house from Bar Ilan St., having walked a somewhat confusing path with a chossid I look forward to seeing at the Kotel - not so much the conversation, but he usually gives me some Tzedaka this making it relatively worthwhile...

9:42am and apparently rounding Ramat Eshcol, approximately 5 minutes away from Ammunition Hill light rail train station (or wherever the bus might be today).

9:51am realizing I can, and that my only viable option, is to walk to Givat Hamivtar and grab the light rail from there and the bus from Pisgat Ze'ev... Perhaps I'll stop at the Ma'afeh Ne'eman for some bourekas or something while there.

10:50am and finally on the bus back to my cousin's house, planning to stop at the local makolet for a few items for Shabbat, but otherwise expecting another boring as f Shabbat in basically the middle of nowhere with no good friends and definitely not a girlfriend 😞

11:10am and walking back from the local makolet having gotten yogurts, deli, Pringles and some oranges... definitely enough for myself, and in combination with what's around the house, there should be enough for all 3 of us and I tried to invite one friend via WhatsApp to join us, hopefully making it slightly more lively and interesting, possibly fun even.

12pm and played some more poker and had 2 yogurts and took out a bag of trash to the bin and washed some dishes and had a pee and 2 cigarettes and thinking to lie down, finish Sallah Shabati, maybe watch something else and just wait, half asleep, until Sunday or Saturday night. Also, no sign of my tax refund yet.

4pm and just came back from the local makolet where I got zucchinis, salmon and orange juice, mixed with garlic pieces (which apparently some of the members of the house believe are mostly moldy... but I didn't see any) hopefully will be a decent dish. The German housemate is making a slow cook dish of beef, paprika, sweet potato, potato, and other stuff.

Cooking at 190°C for about an hour, hopefully will properly boil the orange juice and thus cook the zucchinis and salmon. I had brought 100nis to the store and was considering getting a garlic mayonnaise dressing to bake it in but costwise I didn't think it would be economically sound so went with o.j. Total for the 3 items was 96nis and 4 went to Tzedaka.

This is Mattisyahu's dish:

4:40pm and the salmon looks to be coming along very nicely. Just going to adjust the toaster oven so that only the bottom element is on so the top doesn't burn.

3:30pm and trying the salmon... tastes alright, although lemon or silan would have been a better baking sauce than orange juice.

4:20pm and another bonfire... going strong BH.

5:30pm and back in my room at my cousin's house and thinking again, hopefully seriously this time, about how to go to the US and Canada to collect Tzedaka so I can get my own home and eventually find a nice and good woman to marry and be somewhat independent, pardon the paradox.